Chasing Dreams

The sun angled on the track in that odd, painful, late afternoon way. I hurt. My lungs, my legs, but mostly my heart. I pushed on because I knew Wiley was watching. I knew he knew where I was right then. He knew that I hurt. He knew that my heart couldn’t decide if I wanted that last state qualifying spot enough to push the limits reason told me to back away from.

Coming around the turn for the final lap of my high school racing career, I passed Wiley, my coach of three years, the man who taught me to adore running, who never missed a race. He spoke to me in the quiet, reassuring way he always does. I can’t remember his words. But I remember his voice. The simple sound of it spoke volumes. “Darcy. Go. I know what you can do. Go chase that spot.”

He saw me running. Not racing. My heart ached a bit as I slid past him still locked in my usual race pace.  This was not the time for my usual pace. To win the spot I was chasing, I would need to push on the wall that I had built for myself that cautioned me to not go any faster. I had never gone faster. Not in a 3200 meter race. And I was scared. Fear and dreams placed themselves side by side for me that day on the track, vying for my attention. As I passed Wiley for the last time, I had not yet decided which I would yield to.

But then, down the straightaway, stood Marcus. His lean tan legs, his wild hair, the lines at the edge of his smile that I love so much. He screamed my name. Darcy.

“Catch her! You’re a senior!!”

It was then that I decided. I swallowed my fear and took hold of that dream of the state meet. I entered the place I have only felt while racing once before. Some might call it a “flow state”. The world goes white, sound drowns out, and it was me and my body. I pushed with everything I had. They tell me I gained over a hundred meters on the girl I needed to catch to quality for state. I broke through the limits I imagined I had. It felt beautiful.

My chest crossed the finish line a few seconds behind the girl I was chasing. I never caught her. I never had a second chance to catch her. That was it. I decided too late that I wanted my dream more than I was afraid of it. I waited just long enough that I could watch it slip away right before my eyes.

In those breathless, excruciating moments that were the last lap of my high school racing career, I learned the most important lesson I would take away from my years in school.

We are as powerful as we let ourselves be. Anything is achievable if we but decide that it can be achieved. Limits are imaginary, and we create them for ourselves in order to give ourselves a sense of security. Pushing those limits may hurt, but we will never know what we are capable of until we push them. But, time will not wait for us. We must act now, we must be brave. We cannot let the fear of big dreams stop us, or even slow us down, because we never know when it might be too late.

Chase that dream. Tell the important people in your life you love them. You never know when it might be too late.

NEVER LET YOUR FEAR DECIDE YOUR FATE.

 

Life Lately

First…. Missionary Madness

Kaeden is doing well in England. He now likes to wear sweaters and skinny ties. Proof that missions do change people for the better haha

William is loving Zimbabwe. He is learning some Shona, the native language, and he says he loves the people there more than anything.

My handsome Kevin is finally in Ohio. In his letters and emails he sounds so happy. And that makes ME so happy. I have never hated anything more than being so far away from him. In the same breathe, I have never loved anything more than knowing he is serving the Lord.

Next, Hiking Happiness

Yes. I live here. I love Utah and it’s mountains more every day. There is no place on earth more beautiful.

All smiles. I love this boy as much as those mountains. It’s funny how people come in to your life exactly when you need them.

And finally…. Charming Chicks

A week ago I brought home these little babies. Nothing makes you realize the beauty of life quite like a baby chick.

Meg thinks they’re her babies.

My babies sleeping on my lap.

P.S.

I work for Davis School District mowing lawns. We work rain or shine. This week, it was rain.

My cute crew sporting the latest spring fashion

 

 

 

The Art of Living the Dream

It’s an art, living is.

Living comes in the form of tears and pain, as well as smiles and joy. It’s funny how we learn new things every day, and we still lay down at night knowing next to nothing, how we do so much every day, and still never check all the items off our lists. The world is so big. There are so many new experiences to have. New foods to try, new places to see, new people to meet, and different laughs to have. Sometimes I feel like I will never be able to do it all, like I will never be able to fulfill all my dreams. Sometimes I don’t even know what my dreams are.

But I do know this. This life is so good. And everything will be ok.

Today I sat and laughed with one of my best friends on a gas station curb as we enjoyed each other’s company and a cold drink on a warm summer night. Unplanned, un-glamourous. That was never on my to-do list for today. But it happened. And it made me realize something.

We make plans. We have dreams. But most of the best things in life are not planned. Planned by us anyway. They ARE planned by God.

There is no need to over-plan, or over-think. Just live well. Live deeply. Enjoy the moments that come to you, because they have been given to you for a reason. Although I may not be living the dream I had planned, I am living the dream all the same.

And let me tell you, it is beautiful.

Today on a school playground while I was at work, I had the opportunity to catch a glimpse of a beautiful moment in time. I saw two little boys, probably both around the age of 6, one sitting on the ground, the other standing above him, talking in the morning sun before the bell rang that would mark the beginning of the school day. The one standing above reached his hand down to the other and said as he looked toward the field,

“C’mon. Let’s just run and do something while we still can. C’mon.”

So today, I’m letting go of my attachment to life as I believe it should be, and living it as it IS.

I am going to run while I still can, get the most out of every moment I am alive. I am going to trust God, and reach out and grab the hand he is offering me, that will pull me to my feet, and lead me out to the field where I can run free. Where I can live the dream.

Everything will be ok 🙂

Signature Moves

“A signature move is a move or ability that is almost analogous to the person or character that uses it. This may infer that the move is usually a staple of the user’s repertoire, and on most occasions was invented by the performer.” -Wikipedia

We are all performers in this game called life. We know the rules. We know who’s on our team. We all, on some level, want to win as well. We want to be the best. We want to stand out in the crowd and we want people to know our name. I know I do.

But here’s the catch. Sometimes, I don’t know who Darcy is. Without that definition of self, how can I stand out? I barely exist in my own world. In my own world, consisting of me, myself, and I, Darcy is beat down pretty badly. We compress her with harsh words and negative comments until she becomes a teeny tiny existence. And we do this daily. It begins first thing in the morning. The mirror loves revealing everything I dislike about my body first thing when I wake up, and some days, I hang on to that dislike and it taints my day, my thoughts, and my actions with just a little bit of hate.

I don’t know how to be constantly comfortable in my own skin. I don’t know how to love my body perfectly. I just don’t. Not for lack of trying though, I’ve read books, I’ve talked to people, Ive looked everywhere I can think of for answers, but there are still days when I would give almost ANYTHING to trade my body for someone else’s. This desire is so deep and so real sometimes that it hurts. It even has the ability to ruin my day.

Within all this negativity though, there is some reason. I realize that some of my ideals and many of my thoughts concerning my body are unrealistic. I realize that I have characteristics that are beautiful. I realize that my body is not ME.

So if my body is not ME, then what is ME? We’re back to the question, who is Darcy? This is a hard question to begin with, made harder by the negativity I feel towards myself, pushing myself down until there is not much of a Darcy to find. She’s very hard to locate sometimes, but I’ve developed some tricks for finding her, and loving her.

I like to come back to what I like to call my “Base Self”. My Base Self consists of what I love, how I love, how I fight, what I fight, and my core beliefs. My Base Self is like true North. From true North there is only one other direction, any way you turn. You can only go out. It is the starting point. It is what I build the rest of my self upon. It is also like true North in that it can never be lost. No matter where I am, how lost I may be, no matter how far east, no matter how far west, no matter how far south, I need only to travel back in a northerly direction, and true north will be there waiting for me. It is constant. It’s knowing that I am a child of God, and he loves me. It’s knowing that everything will be ok.

My base self also includes my passions, those things I love so deeply it’s as if I was born to love them. As if they are in my very blood. Running, of course, tops this list. The mountains, my family, and a very few close friends make it in to the list of things I love. And to complement these loves, I add my hates to my base self. Those things that feel anti-Darcy. The people that feel anti-Darcy.

Pro tip: The opposite of love is indifference as The Lumineers once so eloquently stated, not hate. We have to be careful with hate. It holds the same power as love. To hate something gives the object of your hatred great power. Especially with people, I’ve found that traits we see in them that we hate, are either traits in ourselves we have not yet come to terms with, or traits that will easily captivate us. I have all too often been captivated by a person, usually a boy, who has traits that are obviously contrary to my Base Self. There’s something incredibly intriguing about people opposite from ourselves. I would advise not looking to long, or too closely at these people. Personally, I’m easily swayed by others, easily sucked into little traps laid out for me, while other people are not. I guess, as with all things, we need to know our own personal limits.

Anyhow, coming back to my Base Self centers me. And it always will. It allows me that quiet confidence that gets me through my daily activities. But sometimes, I need a little more. That’s where the “signature move” idea steps in.

I guess, in essence, what I call “signature moves”, are really just quirks. They are the little things that make people remember you. My bun, for instance, has become one of my signature moves. They are things that make people say, “Oh yeah, that girl who always has great earrings.” or “Yeah, he’s that kid who is always carrying a lacrosse stick right?” or “I love that girl who does those great #DailyBedHead instagrams.” They are little defining characteristics we can add on top of our “Base Self”. Wether it be a skill, a sense of humor, a trait, or any little thing you do, I think it’s important to hold onto those characteristics, to work with them, to make them grow. That’s the ticket. Your “signature move” will allow you that little taste of fame I think we all look for to some degree. The feeling that maybe, just maybe, you are the best. That you have won. Because we can all be the best at being ourselves. That…. that is achievable. It gives us confidence, and it brings us happiness. And I believe that is incredibly important.

Men are that they might have joy right?

So go out and find your “signature move”. Do what you love. Love what you do. Own every second of this life you live. Make it yours. Seize the day and seize the power you have within yourself. Because you are the best at being you. No one else can live like you can.

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon…
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

-Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Utah Love

The mountains. They call to me.

Not just any mountains, my mountains. These hills that sing my heart’s song and call me from my bed in the early hours, captivating me until the sun has long since fallen from the western sky. They are home. Where I belong. In the dirt and wind and lonely moments I know who I am. In the primeval joy of rushing through the dark pines, in the beauty of each footfall connecting with pure earth, I finally feel REAL. I feel alive. I feel…. Darcy.

To run in the mountains is to taste my true self. My soul comes out from the hidden recesses of my being, unafraid of the grind that life in the 21st century creates. My mind is freed. No longer burdened with the false realities society creates, the imperceptible chains that direct one’s ideas and thoughts, limiting self, limiting soul, creating a norm; a push for conformity. But the mountains, the mountains they stand silent. They don’t push, they don’t prod. They owe me nothing, and ask no questions. We are separate and unified simultaneously. Parallel lines running into the infinities. Together we exist, and that is enough.

In the mountains, untainted, I feel God.

“God writes the Gospel not in the Bible alone, but also on trees, and in the flowers and clouds and stars.” -Martin Luther

My mountains

So addicted to this

I love Utah more and more every day. I have always said I wanted out of Utah when I grew up. No more. This is home. I love these mountains. I love the salty breeze that sometimes finds it’s way off the Great Salt Lake. I love this land. From red rock to mountain top. It’s heaven on earth. Zion. My lungs are made to breathe this air and my heart beats to run these trails. And my soul is anchored in this Utah earth. I have found home.

As much as I love winter and skiing, I’m so incredibly happy to have the snow melt off the trails. It feels so good to run through the hills again. Better than good actually, it’s the best feeling in the world! It reminds me again why I love running. It helps me center back on my base self, the real, core Darcy.

Home is where the heart is

In other news…. Green smoothies!!!!!!!

I’m on a big green smoothies kick right now. They are so perfect! And surprisingly delicious! I’m a huge fan! Check out this awesome green smoothie website HERE for some awesome tips and recipes.

Green Smoothie!

I’m On Top Of The World

“I’m not sure how to explain it, but since I’ve been on a mission I’m looking at things in a different way. I’m looking at life in a more beautiful way I guess you could say. I get really excited for the future and I see things being really great. Everyone is going on missions and things and I’m really excited to see how people change. The world is really beautiful and I’m excited about life!” -Elder Jake Willey

Sometimes, everything in the world feels right.

Because it is! Our past has shaped us into the people we are today, and right now, right here, we are everything we need to be. I feel that now. It feels so good to have goals, and to have friends by your side. And I’m on top of the world. And I can see for miles. The world is so big and beautiful. Once we can climb outside our trails and the little things that upset our balance in life and learn to love the moment we’re in, we can look above and beyond them into the big glorious future.

Today in yoga we talked about the Niyamas, especially contentment and cleanliness. We talked about how we live in a society that worships the body. My teacher explained how our body is constantly purifying itself, it is far from perfect. Once we come to terms that our bodies are not perfect, we can love them more perfectly, and realize that our bodies are given to us for a higher purpose, to make the world a better place. She also explained how important it is to be content with our bodies, we will never have the build of a runway model, nor should we strive for that. We are who we are. And it is enough. We are where we are, and we need to be all there. I love that, and try to live by the mantra, “Be where you are.” Once we learn to live in the moment, we can be truly happy, which enables us to reach out and spread that happiness to others. Our lives are so much bigger than our bodies, or where we have been.

Kathi Needham (My fabulous Weber State yoga teacher): “Gifts are being offered to us every second of every day. Whether it be the opportunity to watch a show we really love, or take a nap, every moment we are given little grifts, and we need to be present to realize that.”

Life is great, and we are great. We are blessed and loved and we are awesome. I feel powerful. When you look at life through a bigger lens, it is impossible not to feel empowered. In every aspect of life. It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes by Roger Bannister, the first man to break the 4 minute mile barrier.

“We run, not because we think it is doing us good, but because we enjoy it and cannot help ourselves. The more restricted our society and work become, the more neccsary it will be to find some outlet for this craving for freedom. No one can say, ‘You must not run faster than this, or jump higher than that.’ The human spirit is indomitable.” -Roger Bannister

We are so powerful. I know that. If I have a testimony of anything it is that we are children of God. And he loves us so much, and with him, anything is possible.

As we Study Walt Whitman in my poetry class, my professor made an interesting comment about transcendentalism, and the way Whitman believes that in everyone there is spark, in everyone a light. She related that to the LDS faith, which was interesting, as she is not of the faith. She explained, “The view that everyone is equal, and everyone is powerful, with their own individual voice, is much like the LDS faith. As I understand it, there is not one priest or figure that speaks for the congregation, but the congregation speaks for itself, and each member has a voice and a personal connection to God.” I loved that! And It made me realize how special and awesome being a member of the Church of Jesus christ of Latter Day Saints, and knowing that I am powerful, and I can have a personal relationship with God. I can’t wait to share that message with people. Because it is so empowering. And I want to share the joy that empowerment brings with others. If everyone knew how amazing and blessed they are, and shared that with those around them, the world would be a much better place.

We are human, and we are powerful.

John 8:32: “And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”

I’m on top of the world- Imagine Dragons

This song is my anthem right now. It is exactly how I feel.

Curtis told me the story of how during summer, when he and Kaeden were hiking the Tetons, and they finally reached the top after a long hard climb, Kaeden played this song. I like to pair that image with this song.

The Mancave

Let me tell you a little about Curtis and Kaeden. They are typical boys. They can usually be found in their friends Kevin and Jason’s basement, dubbed “The Mancave”. They drink too much mountain dew and drive too fast. And they are the best examples of true friendship I have ever seen.

To me, these boys seem inseparable. They would take bullets for each other. Once you enter the mancave, you’re blood. You only have to be with them minutes until you hear one of their inside jokes and see a friendship so intense you can feel it.

The bros: Jason, Curtis, Kaeden, and Kevin

A normal picture of the boys

Curtis and Kaeden on the roof of LPA

Curtis has been my reason to laugh lately. His sense of humor is beautiful. It’s hard to find someone who can laugh so much, and never at the expense of others. But Curtis does just that. He is kind to a fault. He would do anything for any of his brothers, no matter what it cost him. My favorite thing about Curtis is how real he is. I’ve never met anyone quite as down to earth, trustworthy, and steady as Curtis. I’ve had very few friends as real as he is. And I’m so grateful to have him in my life.

Kaeden is deep. On the surface, you would see a broad shouldered semi-professional paintball player, shaggy hair, snapback cap on, driving a big Dodge truck, back window covered in stickers, with a Monster most likely in his hand. Kaeden and I have grown up side by side, but only recently have we become close friends. We shared the same first and second grade classes, and were in the same graduating class. Kaeden though, probably spent graduation day mountain biking instead of walking. Kaeden has always been around, and has always been incredibly intimidating. Most of my memories of him come from high school hockey games, especially the year he helped the team make it to nationals. I remember him smashing a lot of kids into walls. But now, my memories of him are much different. I see him standing at the pulpit giving his farewell talk, crying as he expressed his love for his family and the gospel. I remember little texts from him checking up on me after Kevin left. I remember a smile and a testimony that lit up every inch of every room he entered and arms that were ready and open to anyone who needed them.

It’s amazing that a kid who looked so hard from the outside, could provide the softest place for me to land in the aftermath of Kevin’s departure.

If I have learned one things from Kaeden, it would be to live deeply. Love deep. Work deep. Play deep. Pray deep. Live so hard that people notice. Be that light in the darkness. Go all out in everything you do. Full throttle. No regrets.

Love this boy

Soldier on Kaeden. With your attitude, there is no doubt you will change lives.

This is one of Kaeden’s favorite paintball videos, and he loved the song on it. Thus, “soldier on”.

HERE is a link to Kaeden’s semi-pro painball team’s website. He didn’t brag nearly enough about being on this team. SOOO sick. Under frontman players you’ll find Kaeden “K-Mac” McFarland.

Spring

March.

Spring is here. Something new has begun.

With that new beginning, the old must be replaced. My Kevin is a missionary now. It’s time for him to be other’s hero too. I’m so glad he gets to light up Ohio with that handsome smile of his. I know he will change others lives, just as he has changed mine.

“Why do you stay here and live this mean moiling life, when a glorious existence is possible for you. Those same stars twinkle over other fields than these.” -Thoreau

The evening Kevin left, I went to see him one last time for two years. He took me up into the hills behind his house and held me as I cried. A soft cry, no sobbing, just tears that took the place of the love so strong my body couldn’t hold it all in. The sun shone down brilliantly, lighting up the valley below us. The wind was soft, the air smelled of spring. And Kevin repeated the words I heard a month before as I stood at Jake’s doorstep the night before he left. “It will be ok.”

“It will be ok.”

No promises were made, except that. “I love you. It will be ok.” The simple strength of that line can, and will, get me through anything. I think, perhaps, Kevin was able to sum up life as I know it with that simple line. We are human, and this life, with his trials and changes, it’s so hard. But we are loved. We are loved by strangers and blood alike. And we are loved by God. And it WILL be ok.

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” -Psalms 23:4

After I left Kevin, I headed for the mountains. Where my soul heals best. And I ran. I found a trail and I ran upward to the sky. My breathing, my body moving, the sun still shining. It reminded me that I was alive. And I was living. And I was blessed. I have a best friend who is willing to give two years of his life to the lord. And he loves me. And I love him. And that is why I don’t cry myself to sleep. Instead, at night I kneel at my bedside and thank my father in heaven for the blessings he pours down upon me, especially for Kevin.

Christ lives. And it will be ok.

 P.S. As I drove home from my run that night, I saw another missionary’s homecoming. My timing was such that I drove past a house where a missionary was returning home just as the missionary himself walked into house. A banner spread across the garage, “Welcome Home Elder”. Two years no longer looked so long.

“Most of all Darc, stay strong and close to God. If you allow him to, he can and will help you with everything and anything in your life. Make sure to pray every night and thank God for every breathe.” -Elder Kevin Thompson

Do One Thing Every Day That Scares You

My first official morning of spring break found me in the streets. When I was little and would complain that I was bored or would be particularly annoying my parents would often tell me to “go play out in the street”. I guess I took that to heart, because now, the streets have become my playground. The mountains and trails are where I would prefer to be, but still snow-covered, I take to the streets. I put in ten miles this morning, my first double digit run since summer, a little bit of a stretch out of my normal routine. It reminded me of the Eleanor Roosevelt quote, “Do one thing every day that scares you.”

I love the article HERE on the Athleta blog about doing one thing everyday that scares you.

Here’s a quick recap of my life lately in pictures.

Kevin and I took a sunset penny board ride to Starbucks. So happy for a little warmth and sunshine finally.

Friday before my brother’s lacrosse game I took a little run through Salt Lake City and took a moment to pray under the shadow of the beautiful Salt Lake Temple

My brother is becoming an awesome lacrosse player!

Saturday was a ski day at Ogden Nordic

It was so warm! Spring skiing is here!!

My ski buddy

Saturday was so gorgeous my brother and I took a little spin around town, him on his mountain bike and me on my penny board. This is our cow friend we made on that ride.

Saturday I hung out with the one and only Matt Palmer. He has a third cd out now! One of my oldest and best friends. He even wrote a song and dedicated it to me.

Matt’s quote wall in his bedroom. This is why I love him.

Rainy sunday walk with the brother in matching Columbia jackets

The highlight of my week was my first letter back from Jake!!!! I was practically dancing around the house when I found it! It was so good to hear he is doing great, and I could feel his strength and love through something as simple as a letter.